If you’ve ever asked yourself, “Who am I when I’m not trying to be what others expect?”—you’re already on the path of unmasking.
Unmasking shouldn’t be a single moment of revelation—that’s what happened to me and it was AWFUL. Instead, I think it should be more of a slow, nonlinear, deeply personal process of reconnecting with who you are beneath the adaptations, filters, and scripts that helped you survive.
And for neurodivergent people—especially those with ADHD, autism, sensory processing differences, or complex trauma—that process can be both liberating and overwhelming.
This post is here to offer language, compassion, and guidance for that journey.
What Is Unmasking?
In the neurodivergent community, masking refers to the strategies we use—often unconsciously—to hide or suppress traits that might be judged, misunderstood, or rejected by others.
Masking can look like:
- Forcing eye contact when it feels uncomfortable
- Mimicking social scripts to avoid standing out
- Overriding sensory needs to seem “normal”
- Hiding stims or fidgeting to appear more “composed”
- Pretending to be fine when you’re overloaded, shut down, or lost
Unmasking, then, is the process of becoming aware of these masks—and gently choosing, where it’s safe and nourishing, to set them down.
But unmasking isn’t about baring everything, all at once, to everyone. It’s about:
- Reclaiming autonomy over your own behaviors, preferences, and self-expression
- Building trust with your nervous system so you can notice what you want and need
- Making space for authenticity in relationships, environments, and inner dialogue
- Learning how to discern when a mask is protective—and when it’s no longer needed
Unmasking is an act of liberation—but it’s also an act of care. It’s not about forcing your true self to appear. It’s about letting your true self feel safe enough to show up.
Why We Mask (And Why That’s Not a Failure)
It’s easy to feel ashamed for having masked for so long—especially once you start to feel the cost of it. But let’s be clear:
Masking is not weakness.
It’s survival.
Most neurodivergent people learned to mask because it was necessary. To fit in. To avoid punishment. To stay employed. To avoid being bullied, excluded, or misunderstood.
You may have learned early that your real feelings were “too much.” That your needs were “inconvenient.” That your way of thinking or moving through the world was “wrong.”
So you adapted.
You smiled when you were overwhelmed.
You agreed when you wanted to say no.
You watched others to learn how to be “acceptable.”
You made yourself smaller, quieter, or more pleasing—just to stay safe.
These masks were not failures. They were creative solutions in a world that often lacks understanding.
And just like any strategy for survival, they came with a cost: disconnection from your core self.
Unmasking is how you begin to reconnect.
What Unmasking Really Means
Unmasking isn’t the same as oversharing. It’s not about being raw and vulnerable in every situation, or revealing your inner world to people who haven’t earned your trust. It’s not about ditching every coping mechanism or refusing to accommodate others.
Unmasking is about building self-trust. It’s about reconnecting with:
- What feels right to you
- What you’ve been suppressing
- What gives you energy instead of draining it
- What feels true in your body, even when your mind is unsure
It’s about making intentional choices—where you allow more of your real self to come forward, and where you still need to protect parts of you. It honors your safety, capacity, and context.
Unmasking might look like:
- Letting yourself stim without apology
- Saying “I don’t know” without shame
- Admitting you’re overwhelmed instead of pretending you’re fine
- Wearing clothes that feel good instead of ones that “look right”
- Expressing joy, grief, silliness, or irritation in ways that feel real
- Setting boundaries around your energy, time, or space
Sometimes unmasking is external. Sometimes it’s internal—releasing the pressure to be productive, composed, or agreeable in your own mind.
It’s okay if your unmasking looks quiet. It’s okay if it takes years. It’s okay if you don’t even know where to begin.
Signs You’re Ready to Begin (Or Already Have)
You don’t need a diagnosis or a dramatic turning point to begin unmasking. Sometimes the process starts gently, through questions, fatigue, or an unmet longing to feel like yourself again.
Here are some signs you might be in the early stages of unmasking:
- You’re exhausted from performing “okayness” all the time
- You’ve started noticing patterns in your behavior that don’t feel like you
- You’re grieving past versions of yourself—or realizing you never got to be them
- You feel disconnected from your body, voice, or preferences
- You find yourself wondering: “What would I do if I didn’t care what anyone thought?”
- You’re craving more honesty in your relationships
- You’re drawn to others who live more authentically—and wonder how they got there
- You feel guilty for pretending or keeping parts of yourself hidden
- You’re noticing small acts of resistance, like letting yourself stim, say no, or rest
Unmasking can begin as a whisper: “I want to stop pretending.”
Or a roar: “I can’t do this anymore.”
Either way, it’s a sign of inner wisdom. Something in you is reaching for air. And that’s worth listening to.
The Emotional Landscape of Unmasking
Unmasking isn’t a linear process—and it’s rarely all relief. It’s a deep, emotional terrain that can bring up joy, grief, fear, anger, and release all at once.
You might feel:
- Liberated — finally breathing more freely, expressing what was long held in
- Uncertain — unsure of who you are without the familiar scripts or roles
- Raw or vulnerable — exposed, especially around people who expect the “old” you
- Angry — at yourself, at others, at systems that made you hide in the first place
- Sad — for the years you spent masking, the parts of you that went unseen
- Disconnected — as old habits fall away before new ones take root
- Empowered — noticing new confidence in your preferences, boundaries, or voice
These feelings can coexist and shift quickly. One moment, you may feel alive and present. The next, you may want to crawl back into the safety of your mask.
This is normal.
Because unmasking isn’t just about expression—it’s about re-integration. You’re learning how to be with your full self again. That takes tenderness, courage, and time.
How to Unmask Gently (and Sustainably)
You don’t have to rip the mask off all at once. In fact, most people find that unmasking works best when it’s gradual, supported, and self-led.
Here are some guiding principles:
1. Start with Self-Awareness
Begin noticing when you’re masking—and when you’re not. Keep a journal or log:
- What environments make you tense, quiet, or performative?
- When do you feel most like yourself?
- What moments of authenticity or stimming felt safe or satisfying?
Naming these moments gives you data—without judgment.
2. Honor Your Safety
You never owe authenticity to unsafe people or places. Protecting yourself is not failure. It’s wisdom. You can choose where and when to lower the mask.
Unmasking isn’t about exposure—it’s about choice.
3. Practice in Low-Stakes Spaces
Let your guard down with people or contexts that feel nonjudgmental. This might be:
- Time alone
- Talking to a pet or trusted friend
- Creative expression (art, music, writing)
- Online spaces where you can be anonymous or selective
Small expressions of self-trust compound over time.
4. Build a Support Network
Whether it’s friends, community groups, a therapist, or other neurodivergent people—connection is a powerful mirror. Being seen and affirmed by others can make unmasking feel less scary and more possible.
You deserve support. You don’t have to go it alone.
5. Expect Emotional Echoes
After unmasking, even in small ways, you might experience emotional aftershocks—doubt, regret, vulnerability. This doesn’t mean you did it wrong. It means your system is recalibrating.
Give yourself time to process and soothe.
6. Reframe Progress
Unmasking success isn’t about how much of your “true self” you show. It’s about how much more agency, comfort, and self-compassion you feel over time.
Progress might look like:
- Saying no without guilt
- Letting yourself stim in public
- Telling a friend what you actually need
- Wearing headphones, sunglasses, or compression gear unapologetically
- Admitting you don’t know, can’t do, or need rest
These are acts of courage. Celebrate them.
Letting Yourself Change
When you begin to unmask, you might expect to feel “more like yourself”—but sometimes, it’s disorienting. The self that emerges may surprise you. You might not want the same things anymore. You might shed roles, relationships, or routines that once defined you.
This is growth—not regression.
Unmasking is not about returning to some original, “truest” version of you. It’s about making space for who you’re becoming—and honoring the many versions of you that helped you survive.
You’re not stuck. You’re evolving.
Let yourself:
- Outgrow identities that no longer feel true
- Revisit past joys and try them on again
- Experiment with new aesthetics, interests, or expressions
- Change your mind—often
- Grieve who you thought you were
- Celebrate who you’re becoming
You’re allowed to be a work in progress. You’re allowed to be nonlinear.
You’re allowed to be new.
You Don’t Owe Anyone a Finished Version of You
There is no deadline for “figuring yourself out.” There is no finished product to present. You don’t need to explain your evolution to those who demand consistency more than they offer care.
You’re not behind. You’re not flaky. You’re not too much.
You’re becoming.
Let that be enough.
Because authenticity is not about perfection—it’s about presence.
It’s not about arriving—it’s about allowing.
So unmask slowly. Loudly. Quietly. Tenderly. Strategically. Joyfully. In pieces. In waves. In your way.
And as you do, may you find:
- Relief in your breath
- Trust in your body
- Safety in your choices
- And recognition in your own eyes
Because underneath the mask is someone who has always deserved to be seen.
And still does.
More from the Executive Function Toolkit:
- Unmasking: Reclaim Your Authentic Self— Reflection Worksheet
- Free Executive Function Worksheets
- Additional Executive Function Strategies and Tools
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