In the previous blog post, we examined what emotional dysregulation is and isn’t, exposing how misunderstood and mischaracterized the related concepts are. The science also leaves something to be desired, considering the wide range of prevalence estimates for emotional dysregulation and adult ADHD (estimates suggest emotional dysregulation affects between 30% and 70% of ADHD adults).
While some signs of emotional dysregulation are loud—yelling, crying, spiraling—others are quieter, more passive, and therefore easier to miss. But make no mistake: subtle instances drain just as much energy. And they stand to offer even more valuable insights into how our executive function systems are functioning under the surface.
That’s why examining the more subtle examples can serve as such a strong teaching tool for how you may unintentionally be perpetuating emotional dysregulation within yourself. I’ll also juxtapose each scenario with more regulated ways to respond to demonstrate how much better those healthier responses honor the mix of emotions inside the body.
1) Saying “Yes” When You Really Mean “No”
Executive Function Involved: Inhibitory control and working memory
What’s Happening: The brain struggles to pause and reflect before reacting, often due to perceived pressures. You may feel internal misalignment but respond automatically in an effort to avoid discomfort. The inability to hold your own emotional needs in mind while processing external demands leads to misaligned decisions.
Regulated Response: Someone demonstrating emotional regulation might pause and say: “I’d like to say yes, but I need to check in with myself first” or “Can I get back to you later on today?” Each of these responses better manages internal pressure, uncertainty tolerance, and offers a way to more accurately assert needs, and with less guilt—using inhibitory control and working memory to align words with intentions.
Support Strategy: Practice saying, “Let me think about that,” to build in a pause for executive processing.
2) Seeming Disinterested in Your Surroundings
Executive Function Involved: Working memory + attention regulation
What’s Happening: Emotional rumination hijacks cognitive bandwidth. Your mind may be replaying a past interaction, problem-solving internally, or processing stress. Outwardly, this can look like disinterest or zoning out.
Regulated Response: A regulated person notices internal distraction and gently redirects focus. They might say: “I’m so sorry—my mind wandered. Could you repeat that?” Or, if they need space: “I’m a bit preoccupied right now. Can we talk a little later?” They use self-monitoring and attention shifting (cognitive flexibility) to stay present or respectfully disengage.
Support Strategy: Grounding techniques can help shift attention back to the present moment.
3) Outbursts Over Small Things
Executive Function Involved: Emotional control + inhibitory control
What’s Happening: Your stress threshold has already been breached. The current trigger is minor, but the brain misreads it as urgent due to accumulated stress. Without emotional modulation, the outburst erupts.
Regulated Response: The regulated response begins before the trigger by noticing rising tension. In the moment, they might say:“I’m feeling overwhelmed and need a short break.” If the snap happens, they quickly take responsibility: “That was an outsized reaction—let me step away and calm down.” This demonstrates the use of inhibitory control, emotional insight, and stress management strategies to interrupt escalation.
Support Strategy: Build awareness of internal states with regular check-ins before the tipping point.
4) Feeling Drained After an Outburst
Executive Function Involved: Emotional control + self-monitoring
What’s Happening: The body has spent an enormous amount of energy staying in a state of hyperactivation. The autonomic nervous system is finally powering down, but executive energy is depleted.
Regulated Response: Someone with strong regulation may still feel drained—but they understand why. After a heated moment, they might: 1) Acknowledge what happened without self-condemnation, 2) reflect: What led up to this? What was I needing that I didn’t recognize? And 3)rest or recover with self-kindness. This reflects emotional self-awareness and reflection-based learning—critical executive function abilities for long-term regulation.
Support Strategy: Create low-stimulation recovery rituals (e.g., quiet, dim lighting, warm tea).
5) Rapid Mood Shifts Without a Clear Cause
Executive Function Involved: Cognitive flexibility
What’s Happening: You may lack the ability to reframe or interpret what’s happening around you. Emotions are fluctuating based on internal triggers, not external logic, which creates an unstable inner state.
Regulated Response: Emotionally regulated individuals can identify when emotions shift—and pause to reassess. They might internally ask: “Something changed—what triggered that reaction in me?” If needed, they pause or name what they’re feeling: “I’m getting overwhelmed and need a minute.” Strengths here involve the use of metacognition and emotional labeling to process emotions as signals, not commands.
Support Strategy: Pause and name what you’re feeling. This activates the prefrontal cortex.
6) Trouble Identifying Emotions
Executive Function Involved: Metacognition + emotional awareness
What’s Happening: Without strong introspective skills, it’s hard to map internal sensations to emotional vocabulary. You might feel off, but not know why.
Regulated Response: Regulated individuals get curious rather than reactive. They might journal, do a body scan, or ask themselves: “Am I tired? Hungry? Feeling disconnected?” If they’re still building these skills, they might use a feelings wheel or talk it through with someone they trust. This reflects strong interoception, working memory, and emotional granularity—skills built through practice and support.
Support Strategy: Use emotional check-in tools (e.g., emotion wheels, body scans) to increase interoceptive awareness.
7) Over-Apologizing
Executive Function Involved: Self-monitoring + emotional control
What’s Happening: An internal sense of shame or social insecurity leads to overcorrecting behavior. You reflexively apologize in an effort to preempt conflict or make yourself more acceptable.
Regulated Response: Regulated individuals apologize when appropriate but don’t rely on it to manage emotions. Instead, they own their space: “I hope that didn’t come off wrong, but I stand by what I said.” They might also use grounding self-talk: “It’s okay for someone to be momentarily uncomfortable.” This shows emotional boundaries, self-worth awareness, and internal validation rather than external overcompensation.
Support Strategy: Practice replacing apologies with gratitude (e.g., “Thanks for your patience”).
Can You Strengthen Emotional Regulation Skills?
Yes—absolutely.
Emotional regulation is a skill set, not a character trait. And like any skill, it can be built with practice, time, and compassion. For neurodivergent individuals, it may take more intention and reflection to understand emotional patterns and retrain the nervous system.
It also requires cognitive reframing, another core executive function skill. If you’ve experienced shame around emotional intensity, know this: your reactions were understandable given your brain, environment, and history. But while shame creates disconnection and stagnation, self-compassion creates space for learning.
Self-compassion helps by:
Lessening guilt and shame
Helping you feel seen and heard
Lowering defenses and reducing reactive behaviors
Increasing access to the rational PFC
Supporting integration of emotion and cognition
When that integration happens—when your emotional and rational selves meet—you create new neural pathways for responding differently next time. This is emotional growth, and it’s possible at any stage of life.
A Note for Readers
This post is meant to support those navigating emotional dysregulation and those supporting others who do. It is not a tool to weaponize or pathologize others. If your takeaway is to accuse someone else of being “emotionally dysregulated,” you may need to look at your own regulation skills first.
Recognizing these signs in yourself is the first step toward emotional maturity, especially when executive functioning challenges are involved. Thanks for being here and for caring enough to learn more. I’ll be back soon with more.